As I sat in church today the first reading hit me so hard. It was the same reading from the day I had my second miscarriage. I had not remembered until that moment that this was the third anniversary. I sat there fighting back the tears, feeling my baby girl bounce in my belly.
Three years ago, during this same first reading, I stood up and ran out of the church. I walked to a high school a paced the parking lot until mass was over and my family came out. Cramps and bleeding had started that morning and I knew what was happening. I was on a mini vacation in Dallas with family, and nearing the end of my first trimester. Brad and I hadn't told anyone except my parents at this point. From church we headed to Cowboy stadium to watch the Giants/Cowboy game. At the start of the game I lost the baby in the bathroom. I still remember what it looked like. This tiny little baby, short little arms and legs, large head, no bigger than a raspberry. I didn't know what to do so I texted my husband from the bathroom and we went to the hospital with my dad until the miscarriage completed. One thing that I struggle with to this point is that I left my baby in that bathroom. I wish I hadn't, but I did.
The hospital was a particularly painful portion of the experience. The ultrasound without a heart beat. My exam where the doctor pulled out and showed me the detached placenta. Then the medicine I was given continued to push tissue fragments out for a full week after I returned home.
It took me a month to return back to church. I was to angry. My best friend had come to visit me, and she and I went together. While kneeling and praying I was able to begin surrendering my grief and welcome God into the situation. I felt his voice in that moment. This loss was being transformed into a way for me to abandon control and give myself over; To acknowledge that I do not have all the answers. I began to understand that God had not done this to me. God did not choreograph this. It was nature that had done it. Life happened. God was telling me he was with me and that my Great Grandmother had my baby in heaven. I also felt God tell me that I was pregnant. Two weeks later I learned that I was indeed 4 weeks pregnant with my sweet Max. I could not imagine my days without his T-Rex eating my feet, him rubbing my belly and saying "Baby in Belly," his laugh. But I will admit that carrying a child, conceiving a child, two weeks following a loss was immensely painful. I felt such a struggle of guilt by celebrating my new pregnancy. I felt like I was betraying my miscarried angel. I am still working through this and inviting God to be with me through this struggle.
My husband had bought me an Opal to remember this child's birth/departure. I wear the ring daily and it has provided me with a wonderful reminder, not only of my lost babies, but my surviving blessings as well.
October is a month of remembrance for family's that have lost a child. This photo is nothing fancy, but after picking out our Jack-o-lantern pumpkins I asked my husband to take it with me. We are in workout clothes and standing next to our AC unit, but it will be our way to celebrate our little girl and to remember the two we lost.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
After completing my family photos my family walked through the woods. I still had my camera and found some wonderful things to shoot along the way. Thought it would be fun to share. I love the onset of fall with its mix of colors.
My son found these flowers and couldn't wait to show me.
This spider was huge, I'm thinking the size of the topmost an aluminum can? I found her next to a pecan tree where we stopped and let the kids snack.
Macro photography and nature photography 💗💗💗💗
Sunday, October 11, 2015
I feel like annual family photos are so important. You never know how many opportunities you will have in a lifetime (when I tell my hubby that he calls me morbid). The kids grow so fast. With our schedules we haven't been making the time to fit them in, but with my feeling so bad with this pregnancy causing me to accept less jobs, we had a morning. I scrambled for neutrals in the closets and we went for it. With my babies waking up at 530am I had plenty of time to prepare haha! We got my favorite 830am light in one of my favorite spots.
Used a timer and tripod. I lost the timer remote so I did a lot of running back and forth. My husbands job was to keep a grip on the kids and not move. I felt so silly calling out in between shots "Kiss me!" "Hold hands!" "Look down and laugh!'
I always prefer the black and white images while my husband loves color. I think this once I'll give and print a color image to hang in our home.
Couple silly ones for my husband. I always made fun of my husband when we were dating for wanting to take a photo of us looking off in the distance like something was coming. He hasn't changed since high school and got our kids to pose that way. I still wasn't 100% on board and acted scared of my belly.
This one could have been cute had my son not assumed a potty position.
I couldn't love anything more. I got one hug pose. Thats why I always set my shutter as fast as possible. Gotta catch the moment when they give it!
We had to laugh at the way my husband palmed my belly like a basket ball.
We only got to do one round with the camera timer for fear of losing our kids in the woods. The found a fallen limb and were rolling it to find bugs. Im happy. We never get images of the two of us together. Technically I guess there are three of us in these shots though.
...then we were off through the woods. I received my ten minutes for family photos and the little ones were done. Thats what happens when your location is exciting I guess lol.
My daughter is my toughest subject because she rarely gives me a smile. Im calling victory on the up the nose smirk I got from her. I always joke that no one will know how stinkin cute she is because she acts like a total goof when the camera comes out.
We found so many pretty plants and one amazing spider. I'll need to do a separate blog post to show them. The kids have begun finding things for me to photograph. Sweeties. My son found some flowers and leaves he was particularly proud to show me.
I really loved these shadowy photos with the fall colors. Behind my son was a 6 foot drop off into a creek that he really wanted to climb down. He was actually angry in this image but I was lucky enough to snap a few in between him yelling at me for stopping him.
The adventure of family pictures was finished up when we found a pecan tree. Another 30 minutes was happily spent collecting and shelling. A good morning. I am so happy to have gotten to record it.
Now we weren't able to use a handful of the photos because my sweet daughter grabbed a stick while I was running back and forth between family and tripod. The log was perfectly placed between her thighs... Kids will be kids I guess lol. Ill save that photo for her baby book.
All images are property of Brittney Owens
Find me on instagram! BrittneyOwensPhotography
for information on sessions email: BrittneyOwensPhotography@gmail.com